Becoming One of “them”

Becoming one of “them”: Expanding our Definition of Domestic Violence

Meghan Clark JD 2008

When we hear the term “domestic violence,” what first comes to mind? A person may think of physical family disputes, hitting, punching, or kicking. But what about a verbal threat or a hand gesture intended to intimidate? Are we willing to go so far as to label these acts “domestic violence?” Maybe you are wondering why we should even care about this topic. Why bother? “Domestic violence couldn’t happen to me,” you think. That’s exactly what I used to say.

Five years ago, I began what gradually spiraled into an abusive relationship. It is only now that I am able to recognize this. I was a junior in college when it all started, and everything seemed perfect. He was attentive, sincere, and the perfect southern gentleman—for awhile. We were engaged, essentially living together, and even peacefully coexisting on many days.

I cannot point to that first argument, the moment when things changed, but one day I woke up, and I realized that I simply was not myself anymore. I no longer spent time with my friends. I was on edge all the time. I did everything I could to avoid making my partner upset. There was a lot of yelling, a lot of threats, and even more tears and apologies. There were no bruises. There was no hitting: a shove here and there, but never the kind of thing I had read about—and I definitely read a lot. As an undergraduate English major, the American Heritage Dictionary was like my “bible.” But nothing about my relationship fit into its definition of “domestic violence.” The American Heritage states that domestic violence is “violence toward or physical abuse of one’s spouse or domestic partner.” I knew that definition. I lived by my definitions. But that wasn’t my relationship, so I could continue to ignore it—could continue to deny the abuse.

Now, five years later, I have learned that many abusive relationships don’t fit this narrow definition. And American Heritage isn’t the only reference book that excludes relationships like mine. Merriam-Webster’s main entry for domestic violence includes only acts of physical violence between family or household members. Britannica Online slightly expands its definition to include any type of abuse between members of the same household. According to the state of Vermont, “abuse” involves physical violence between “family or household members” as well as “placing another in fear of imminent serious physical harm.” But what about the psychological and emotional “assault” that I lived with for years? If our publicly accessible reference materials aren’t dealing comprehensively with the term, how can we ever expect the average citizen to comprehend all that constitutes domestic violence?

So, again, why should you care? It takes years to change definitions and even longer to get the public to accept these newly defined terms. Such reform needs to happen, however. For women like me, it is easy to distance yourself from the problem if you don’t fit the definition. Women in relationships with “domestic violence” will always just be one of “them”—the others—until we expand our definitions. In any recovery program, you hear the mantra that admitting the problem is the first step. Similarly, the first step in combating domestic violence must be recognizing that your relationship fits into this definition.

It is not so much for legal reasons that I hope to expand the basic definition of domestic violence; it is for someone like me who needed to fit into a definition. From my own personal experiences and from my recent educational opportunities, I have learned that domestic violence does not begin with the first slap. Long before any physical altercations or threats of violence occur, many abusers envelop their partners in a web of emotional degradation and isolation; it’s about time our definition reflects this phenomenon.

To define everything that could constitute the earliest signs of domestic violence would take up a whole book by itself. This does not mean, however, that we cannot educate ourselves on the subject and begin to get at the problem from its root. In addition to passing laws to protect an abused partner once the bruises have already surfaced, if a man or a woman can identify himself or herself in a definition, maybe they will be able to seek the help that I didn’t even realize I needed. It may not be much, but if we take the small step to look at our reference materials and work to better define the very concept of “domestic violence,” then perhaps this is a good place to start in our campaign to put a stop to such an unfortunately common problem.